The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
