If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
