You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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