he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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