found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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