in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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