Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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