I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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