I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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