I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
