I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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