dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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