He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
