if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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