Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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