Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
