On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
