I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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