3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
