Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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