I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
