guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
