i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
only you would photoshop your dick
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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