never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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