my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
