Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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