Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
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Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
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Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!