We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
