if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in