I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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