I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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