Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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