i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
