soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
