fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
