Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
