I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
