Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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