evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
bring money and cleavage
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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