That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think your dad took our porno
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
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