I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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