Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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