heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
