He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
