i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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