i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
