Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
