when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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