So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
