plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
