I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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