sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
