thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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