So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
