why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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