I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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