I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
