I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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