Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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