I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
