omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
