I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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