There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
