I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
